Take, for example, Petey Bellows, my roommate at the university. Emotional type. Not, however, to Petey.
"Raccoon," he mumbled thickly.
"Raccoon?" "I want a raccoon coat," he wailed.
"Why do you want a raccoon coat?"
"Can you mean," I said incredulously, "that people are actually wearing raccoon coats again?"
"All the Big Men on Campus are wearing them. "I've got to have a raccoon coat," he said passionately. "Petey, why? Raccoon coats are unsanitary. "I'd give anything for a raccoon coat. Anything!"
I refer to his girl, Polly Espy.
I had long coveted Polly Espy. I wanted Polly for a shrewdly calculated, entirely cerebral reason.
With one omission, Polly fitted these specifications perfectly.
It is, after all, easier to make a beautiful dumb girl smart than to make an ugly smart girl beautiful.
"Petey," I said, "are you in love with Polly Espy?"
"I think she's a keen kid," he replied, "but I don't know if you'd call it love. Why?"
Is that right?"
"Where are you going?" asked Petey.
"Home for the weekend." "Holy
"Your girl," I said, mincing no words.
"Polly?" he asked in a horrified whisper. "You want Polly?"
"That's right."
He flung the coat from him. Back and forth his head swiveled, desire waxing, resolution waning. "What's Polly to me, or me to Polly?"
"Try on the coat," said I.
I asked, extending my hand.
I had my first date with Polly the following evening. This girl's lack of information was terrifying. "Oo, terrif," she replied. "Logic."
"Wow-dow!" she cried, clapping her hands delightedly.
"First let us examine the fallacy called Dicto Simpliciter."
"Dicto Simpliciter means an argument based on an unqualified generalization. "I agree," said Polly earnestly. "I mean exercise is wonderful. "Polly," I said gently, "the argument is a fallacy. Exercise is good is an unqualified generalization. For instance, if you have heart disease, exercise is bad, not good. "Next we take up a fallacy called Hasty Generalization. Listen carefully: You can't speak French. Petey Bellows can't speak French. "Really?" said Polly, amazed. "Nobody?"
"Polly, it's a fallacy. "A girl back home—Eula Becker, her name is. It never fails. "Polly," I said sharply, "it's a fallacy. You are guilty of Post Hoc if you blame Eula Becker."
"No, Polly, I'm not mad."
"All right. Let's try Contradictory Premises."
"Yes, let's," she chirped, blinking her eyes happily.
If there is an irresitible force, there can be no immovable object. If there is an immovable object, there can be no irresistible force. Petey lay snoring in his bed, the raccoon coat huddled like a great hairy beast at his feet. The girl simply had a logic-proof head.
"A man applies for a job. A tear rolled down each of Polly's pink cheeks. The man never answered the boss's question about his qualifications. "Polly," I said testily, "the argument is all wrong. "Sounds yummy," was Polly's reaction.
"True, true," said Polly, nodding her head. "The next fallacy is called Poisoning the Well."
"Two men are having a debate. Now, Polly, think. What chance has the second man got if the first man calls him a liar before he even begins talking?"
"Right!" I cried exultantly. "One hundred percent right. Polly, I'm proud of you."
"Polly," I said when we next sat beneath our oak, "tonight we will not discuss fallacies."
"Hasty Generalization," said Polly brightly.
"Hasty Generalization," she repeated. The dear child had learned her lessons well. "False Analogy," said Polly promptly. I'm a girl."
The dear child had learned her lesson perhaps too well. "Polly, I love you. "Ad Misericordiam," said Polly.
"Well, Polly," I said, forcing a smile, "you certainly have learned your fallacies."
If I hadn't come along you would never have learned about fallacies."
"You can't go with him, Polly. "Poisoning the Well," said Polly, "and stop shouting. "All right," I said. How could you choose Petey Bellows over me? Can you give me one logical reason why you should go steady with Petey Bellows?"
"I certainly can," declared Polly.
"He's got a racoon coat."
No comments:
Post a Comment